Saturday, April 30, 2005
anybody who wants to go see this with me...?

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
posted by Rachel at 2:06:00 PM -
Monday, April 25, 2005
I make the best apple crisp!
posted by Rachel at 12:03:00 AM -
Saturday, April 23, 2005
Today was the day from hell...

I lived.
I felt.
I experienced.

I don't know what is worse...feeling nothing and being numb or experiencing everything and feeling something.
posted by Rachel at 6:59:00 PM -
Album:Beauty From Pain
Song:Beauty From Pain
The lights go out all around me
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know I'm alive
But I feel like I've died

And all that's left is to accept that it's over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that I made
I try to keep warm but I just grow colder
I feel like I'm slipping away


After all this has passed

I still will remain
After I've cried my last
There'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today
Someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

My whole world is the pain inside me
The best I can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I wonder why God lets me walk through this place

And though I can't understand why this happened
I know that I will when I look back someday
And see how You've brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames


Here and I am at the end of me (at the end of me)
Trying to hold to what I can't see
I forgot how to hope
This night's been so long
I cling to your promise there will be a dawn

posted by Rachel at 12:13:00 AM -
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
i am so sick and tired of everything.
posted by Rachel at 5:34:00 PM -

...i looked in the fridge for milk because i knew we were running low or were out. there wasnt any. so i went out and got a new bag. when i put the new bag of milk in the fridge, i saw that there was already a bag of milk staring me blank in the face. how could i have not seen this when i was specifically looking for it? (mental block? visual block?) i hid the other bag in the veggie drawer so as not to look like an ass and to avoid the question "why do we have two bags of milk in the fridge?"
posted by Rachel at 2:34:00 AM -
Sunday, April 17, 2005 friend jon jokingly says: i should play my guitar until my fingers bleed...

...i ponder: how the hell am i suppose to play guitar until my fingers bleed when i don't know what the hell to play...

..solution: i have discovered the wonderful world of tablature...and scales. woo hoo! i wish i had figured this out a long time ago.

...conclusion: my fingers are now really...but i have been playing for the last 2 hours and i can feel my blood pulsating in my fingertips.

...and so i share:
posted by Rachel at 1:21:00 AM -
Saturday, April 16, 2005
a glimmer of hope.

a ray of sunshine.

i am stumbling into the light.

...but is this here to stay or will it be gone tomorrow...only to bring me deeper into the well of dispair that has become my friend...

i was very productive today. work was fun. i got alot of stuff done. i havent been to motivated lately but i made up for the lost time by redoing some sections in my department. i also helped out with checking in merchandise in the back. i was by myself so i plugged in the cd player there and blared the tunes. good times.

lunch was one of the highlights of my day. i spent it outside eating lemon merigne pie and reading a book. the weather kicks ass today. i hope tomorrow will be the same.

when i got home from work i tended to the other side of the garden that i did not get cleaned up two weeks ago. i picked and weeded all the dead growth and new ones that werent suppose to be there.

i had McRaunchies for dinner but i ate healthy...i had the crispy chicken salad (with my own dressing) and the yogourt parfait.

i am at the deck right now. i have pretty much hung out all night with the peeps and have neglected tuck shop duty. i would rather hang out anyways because the kids are what it's all about.

BONUS: i played guitar for about an hour out on the front stoop. Jim gave me some new rifts to play. im excited.
posted by Rachel at 9:39:00 PM -
Friday, April 15, 2005
is this rock bottom because i dont know how much lower i can get.

God how do you reckon getting me out of this...? it all seems so hopeless. life feels so empty and pointless. why did you let this pain creep in? was it always there? are you just bringing it all to the surface. i hate these feelings of worthlessness.

my deep need to feel accepted...loved...wanted...unconditionally.

when does this long, cold night end. where is the dawn? where is your light?

where is this hope and future you promised about? i meditated on this scripture for so long but it doesnt seem like it was ever meant for me!

even the good times seem like they never happened or were a farce. twisted memories in my mind causing me to think i was deluded in my happiness all along. was that peace and contentment ever real?

i feel so worthless. ugly. i'm not good enough. i'm not smart enough. i have no talents or gifts. i come empty handed with nothing to offer. i mean really...why would anyone want to be around me anyways.

i have no passion accept this bitter cup of all the things i wish had never happened, and the things i wish had happened.

i no longer have the energy to get through the day with a pasted on smile on my face...pretending everything is alright. i only did that so i would at least be someone people might like to hang around with so i wouldnt be so alone.

i tried to hard.

i wish it wasnt worse at night. lying awake in my bed all night. sleep interrupted by the feelings of being alone and abandoned are too much to bare. where are you? why do you continue to let me be this way?

i feel guilty for feeling this way...for being in a leadership position trying to encourage others by what you have done in my life. but instead i am a complete failure. there is no light shining through me indicating that your presense resides within. where is that light at the end of the tunnel that i can share and encourage them with. instead my pain and hurts are as deep as theirs.

regardless, i will cling to you. if this life only continues to bring misery i will take comfort knowing that in death i will truly have life for then i will be with you.

...if you could please give me an indication that things will be ok...some hope. a glimmer of good things to come? i cant hear you or sense your presense...please speak to me in my dreams...grant me one night of solid rest.
posted by Rachel at 10:26:00 PM -
Hey everone...this is not meant to be mean or anything because I know the advice you try to give is from the heart.

Alot of you have been trying to tell me that I need to rely on God and His Word and the thing is I am already doing that. (Man am I getting a dose of my own medicine...I have often times given out this same advice.) I do not live by my feelings as someone suggested...I will akin what I am going through as suffering and if anyone of you has been down this path before it's not something you can just shut of at your own will. It needs to be giving to God and painstakenly worked through.

I would like to see this as a refinement process and in my suffering God is working in me teaching me how to trust and truly worship and know Him. One day I will come out the other end and perhaps be thankful for this time as it will only strenghten my relationship with God and draw me closer to Him.

I have decided to do a study on lamenting and I am learning that it is also a form of worship. I am being completely honest with God and choose to turn to Him and tell Him all my fears, what makes me tick, ask Him why he doesnt seem to be there, why I feel so empty and dead...I realize I get this quite right in the beginning as I was directing my frustrations and anger out into Blogger Oblivion but Life's a learning lesson and I am getting some things right finally.

Anyways, I hope my struggles can be an encouragement to others when I come out the other end...and for the time being for some of you out there...please feel free to suffer along side me and I will suffer along side you and try to share your burden.
posted by Rachel at 2:22:00 AM -



I am a poor pilgrim of sorrow,
I'm tossed in this wide world alone.
No hope have I for tomorrow;
I've started to make heaven my home.
Sometimes I am tossed and driven, Lord
Sometimes I don't know where to roam,
I've heard of a city called Heaven;
I've started to make it my home.


How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I bear pain in my soul,
and have sorrow in my heart all day long?
How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?
Consider and answer me, O Lord my God!
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep the sleep of death,
and my enemy will say, "I have prevailed";
my foes will rejoice because I am shaken.


My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?
Why are you so far from helping me, from the words of my groaning?
O my God, I cry by day, but you do not answer;
and by night, but find no rest.

Yet you are holy,
enthroned on the praises of Israel.
In you our ancestors trusted;
they trusted, and you delivered them.
To you they cried, and were saved;
in you they trusted, and were not put to shame.

But I am a worm, and not human;
scorned by others, and despised by the people.
All who see me mock at me;
them make mouths at me, they shake their heads;
Commit your cause to the Lord; let him deliver--
let him rescue the one who delights!"

Yet it was you who took me from the womb;
you kept me safe on my mother's breast.
On you I was cast from my birth,
and since my mother bore me you have been my God.
Do not be far from me,
for trouble is near
and there is no one to help.

Many bulls encircle me,
strong bulls of Bashan surround me;
they open wide their mouths at me,
like a ravening and roaring lion.

I am poured out like water,
and all my bones are out of joint;
my heart is like wax;
it is melted within my breast;
my mouth is dried up like a potsherd,
and my tongue sticks to my jaws;

You lay me in the dust of death.
For dogs are all around me;
A company of evildoers encircles me.
My hands and feet have shriveled;
I can count all my bones.
They stare and gloat over me;
They divide my clothes among themselves,
and for my clothing they cast lots.

Ah, God! Behold my grief and care. Fain would I serve Thee with a glad and cheerful countenance, but I cannot do it. However much I fight and struggle against my sadness, I am too weak for this sore conflict. Help me in my weakness, O Thou mighty God! And give me Thy Holy Spirit to refresh and comfort me in my sorrow. Amid all my fears and griefs I yet know that I am then in life and death, and that nothing can really part me from Thee; neither things present, not things to come, neither trial, nor fear, nor pain. And therefore, O Lord, I will trust in Thy grace. Thou wilt not send me away unheard. Sooner of later Thou wilt lift this burden from my heart, and put a new song on my lips; and I will praise Thy goodness and thank and serve Thee here and for evermore—Amen. (S. SHERETZ, 1584-1639)
posted by Rachel at 12:50:00 AM -
Tuesday, April 12, 2005
so it seems to me when it feels like i am having a good day i end up feeling even more empty and lonely than when i am having just a bad day in general. feeling good only makes the bad even worse.

today started off great. i woke up feeling on top of the world. full of energy and confidence for the work that layed ahead. that energy stuck with me up until about 2-ish and then the old feelings of emptyness, meaninglessness and desolation creeped in gradually growing in intensity to the point where I am now.

i am restless.

i almost cant write...cant get my thoughts together and get them out of my head. they are stuck to the insides of my mind like thick hot tar...

i use to be comforted and consoled just by hanging out with my friends. it use to be enough. why isnt it enough anymore. i can no longer just be. i can't push these feelings aside.

i went to Kristen's tonight to sleep over and hang with the family but by around 9pm i had to get out of there. i couldnt sit still. i couldnt bare the thought of spending the night there because i know i am not going to get much sleep tonight and at least at home i can semi entertain myself by watching tv, surfing the net, reading my zines and eating. (i cant get enough of food right now.)

i got home at about 10:30 after driving around aimlessly for an hour an half in a thoughts washing over me.

...and now here i am...i'm afraid to go to bed and turn the lights off because it is always worse that way.

can someone pull this plug! turn me off! shut things down!
posted by Rachel at 11:45:00 PM -
Saturday, April 09, 2005
Just thinking...

It must be such a blessing to have fellow family members like siblings to encourage each other in their faith. I feel like I have so little in regards to a Christian network and it often time leaves me feeling lost and out there all alone. I just wish the majority of my immediate family would choose to travel the same and true path that I have chosen and be more encouraging in my struggle to follow Christ.

I sometimes liken my life to either being on or off the wagon...sometimes I loose complete sight of Christ and start to retreat to my old ways of living for myself with no regard to other peoples feelings but my own...but when I do this I fail to see the consequensed in the future when I get back on the wagon again and put my focus on Christ. In reality I do myself great harm in being selfish because when I come back to God and lay it all at His feet again I am embarrassed by my behaviour of how I acted when I was living for myself.

Living for myself brings only misery....Living for God brings victory.

Just hope everyone can forgive me for my last crazy binge of living for myself. Self-control can be so difficult when you are feeling in the dumps and just want to die.

I am starting to come out of the fog a little bit. Continued prayers and support are greatly appreciated. Feel free to drop me lines and emails of encouragement so that I know I am loved regardless of my stupid actions. This is me asking for help from all of you instead of becoming more self-destructive. Something I am vowing to myself to do more often.

And to still be completely honest but in a kind and gentle way to others and to myself.

posted by Rachel at 5:08:00 PM -
Well since I cant sleep, I have exported my Live Journal over to Blogger because I put alot of work into designing this site. I have yet to export the comments from Live Journal but perhaps if sleep still alludes me tomorrow night I will do it then.
posted by Rachel at 4:45:00 AM -
I've got a case of the BRAIN ZAPS! I'm almost being knocked off my feet. My brain is being zapped continually by these freaky electrical brain surges. They emanate out my ears and eyeballs and also travel down to my chest and out my fingers and the back of my legs. When it is a really strong one I can feel it in the back of my throat and in my teeth.

I am not using allegories here...this is literally what I am experiencing. This has been going on for almost a week now...increasing in intensity as the days go on.

Yes folks! Welcome to the world of SSRI withdrawal. At least I am not alone...but is the worst still yet to come?

I love all these different terms people use to describe this phenomenon:

-Brain Surges
-Brain Zaps
-Electric Brain Shock
-Brain Tremors
-Head Zing
-Brain Jolts
-Woozy Head
-Physical Sensory Overload

Who knew such a phenomenon existed. I think people who pay good money to feel this way, but personally for the ones involved it is quite the hellish experience. It even happens in my dreams.

Anyways, here is an amusing music video:

or the words if you prefer:

The Drugs I Need

You’ve got a headache
And I’ve got some strange disease
Don’t worry about it
This pill will set your mind at ease

It’s called Progenitorivox
It’s made by SquabbMerlCo
It’s a life enhancing miracle
But there are some things you should know

It may cause agitation
Excessive salivation
Male lactation
Rust colored urination
Bad vibrations
Mild electric shock sensations
But it’s worth it
For the drugs I need

My disease may not be fatal
But I can ease my fears
By taking two twelve dollar pills
Each day for fifty years
They’ve spent billions to convince me
So now I realize
Beats diet and exercise!

I’ve got insurance
At least for now I do
And if I buy generic
It would cut my cost in two
But I want Progenitorivox!
‘cause I saw it on TV
Those families look so functional
That paisley pill’s for me

But it may cause
Debtor’s prison and deportation
Dark depictions
Dire predictions
Life as seen in Dickens fiction
Empty pocket
Court dockets
May cause eyes to pop from sockets
But it’s worth it
For the drugs I need
But it’s worth it…
In Canada, they get this for a song!
But it’s worth it
For the drugs I need

The opinions expressed in this song are not necessarily those of SquabbMerlCo or its subsidiaries. Progenitorivox is not available, anywhere. Offer void in Wisconsin. Any resemblance to actual drugs, living or dead, is purely coincidental. Any unauthorized use of your judgment in the application of Progenitorivox is strictly prohibited. Progenitorivox may not be reproduced without the expressed written consent of Major League Baseball. Progenitorivox may cause drowsiness or restlessness in lab animals. Do not resume sexual activity while operating heavy machinery without consulting your physician. For erections lasting longer than four hours, insert your own joke here. If you experience psychotic episodes, you’re crazy. If death occurs, discontinue use of Progenitorivox immediately. If symptoms persist, consult your physician. All sales final. Batteries not included.

Hmmmm...if anyone has read this far: Apparently the best cure for all of this non-sense is a little sex, booze and mindless if anyone is up for a little!
posted by Rachel at 3:44:00 AM -
Most likely the majority of my updates will be posted at
until I get a chance to merge the 2 into one site. It will happen tho.
posted by Rachel at 2:45:00 AM -
Please update your link to my BlogSpot address. It has now been changed to:
posted by Rachel at 2:43:00 AM -
Tuesday, April 05, 2005
You asked: What has happened to make you so bitter: I am bitter with myself! Bitter at how I painted the pretty picture of the perfect girl who had it all together so I would look good to others...Bitter at letting my insecurities mode me into what other people would like.

And now I am on a journey of self-discovery...finding out who I really am and who I am in Christ. Not who I am in some fantasy picture of what someone else might want as a wife. I am out to please God now...and not anybody else.

And you know what...I am gong to screw up along the way...use some bad language at times, say the wrong thing...but I am being honest about what is going on in my head and my thoughts. How many people out there are truly honest with each other.

Oh and realize this...the only one that can conform my mind and heart is Christ...and as he does might be in for a pleasant the negative thoughts fade away and the abusive language dissappear. Watch as he makes me whole.
posted by Rachel at 11:10:00 PM -
Clarification The F-You (yeah I know... I am editing my language...although I dont know why because I thought it in my head, so what's the diffence if I edit it or's still there) to the people in general who say they want to help was in regards to one such individual who said she wanted to be there for me and be a listening I emailed her back to chat...and alas not reply in over a week. She was so full of advice and wanted to reach out...but then slam...the door closed.

"Perhaps I am just pushing everyone away now, because I am so sick of this feeling empty and alone"...does not mean I AM pushing people away on purpose...To all of you who dont know the definition of the word "Perhaps"...should look it up...because I use it alot. It's more of a word I use when I am anaylizing a situation and why I feel the way I do and react the way I do. And God knows I could you all the Love and Caring I can get.

Oh...and this is not a GAME...This is not about tying to piss people of even though I know inadvertanly it's about me getting my thoughts out so I can sort them out and see what I am really feeling and experiencing on the inside. I am not trying to one up myself on anyone else in regard to life experiences. We all have our own shit and I realize that...

Here is some positive stuff for you all...

I do have people who truly care and love me. I know that and I am truly grateful and blessed for that. My life is NOT completely shit.

Admittedly tho, my moods are extreme. I dont completely know how to deal with them, and when I do it may not be in the best or most healthiest of ways...but I am using the resourses I have and the only ways I know how. Oh how I wish some of you could live a day in my mind...experience my insecurities and fears.

An apology to all I hurt. Things are getting clearer...and I dont want to close the door on anyone...not even you dad...I just want to be loved and accepted for who I am. I want people to show me they love and care for me in action. Be

Ultimately what I write is really a cry for help. I know that. Do you know that?

Also, realize that I am not one to really ask for help. I fear rejection to much, so in order to avoid it I don't ask. Kind of stupid I know. So it's something I can work on...
posted by Rachel at 10:11:00 PM -
Isnt it funny? Isnt it funny how people sick back watching you flounder from afar, but the moment you get specific they put up their defenses.

Where were you a week ago...a month ago...a year ago?

Dad: You say you can always tell when I am having a rough time. How is it then that you are so content to just sit back and watch the madness unfold and not do anything? You want caring: Pick up the phone...drop me an email...let me know that you actually exist. Just show up unexpectantly and put your arms around me and give me a hug. I'm so sick of getting through life with only hearing or seeing of you 2-3 times a year. You're like those people who only go to church on special occasions and holidays.

Perhaps I am just pushing everyone away now, because I am so sick of this feeling empty and alone. Maybe my plans will actually come to fruition and I will leave and start off again never to be heard or seen of again by all of you. It sure is appealling. And dont say I am running away. I just need a fresh start to figure out who I really am.
posted by Rachel at 11:43:00 AM -
Enraged! Why am I the way I am¿
Fuck You!

To all of you who say you want to help but don't. Stop feeding me your empty words and shallow promises! Don't tell me that your really care...because you don't. Stop lying to yourself and save me the trouble.

And Fuck You!

To the absentee father who can't even drop his daughter an email or a phone call in over 2 months. I don't even know what it is like to be a daughter because I have had to fend for myself for so long.

Hell, I dont even know how to function as a human being any more because I dont even know who I am. I dont have an identity. I live to conform to other peoples ideals so I won't be rejected. But I am sick of it... I dont care what other people think. If I step on your toes too bad for you. Oops! Sorry I hurt you with my words by reveling the truth!

Take a dose of your own medicine. Look at what you have created.
posted by Rachel at 1:07:00 AM -

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Name: Rachel
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