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is this rock bottom because i dont know how much lower i can get.
God how do you reckon getting me out of this...? it all seems so hopeless. life feels so empty and pointless. why did you let this pain creep in? was it always there? are you just bringing it all to the surface. i hate these feelings of worthlessness.
my deep need to feel accepted...loved...wanted...unconditionally.
when does this long, cold night end. where is the dawn? where is your light?
where is this hope and future you promised about? i meditated on this scripture for so long but it doesnt seem like it was ever meant for me!
even the good times seem like they never happened or were a farce. twisted memories in my mind causing me to think i was deluded in my happiness all along. was that peace and contentment ever real?
i feel so worthless. ugly. i'm not good enough. i'm not smart enough. i have no talents or gifts. i come empty handed with nothing to offer. i mean really...why would anyone want to be around me anyways.
i have no passion accept this bitter cup of all the things i wish had never happened, and the things i wish had happened.
i no longer have the energy to get through the day with a pasted on smile on my face...pretending everything is alright. i only did that so i would at least be someone people might like to hang around with so i wouldnt be so alone.
i tried to hard.
i wish it wasnt worse at night. lying awake in my bed all night. sleep interrupted by the feelings of being alone and abandoned are too much to bare. where are you? why do you continue to let me be this way?
i feel guilty for feeling this way...for being in a leadership position trying to encourage others by what you have done in my life. but instead i am a complete failure. there is no light shining through me indicating that your presense resides within. where is that light at the end of the tunnel that i can share and encourage them with. instead my pain and hurts are as deep as theirs.
regardless, i will cling to you. if this life only continues to bring misery i will take comfort knowing that in death i will truly have life for then i will be with you.
...if you could please give me an indication that things will be ok...some hope. a glimmer of good things to come? i cant hear you or sense your presense...please speak to me in my dreams...grant me one night of solid rest. |
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posted by Rachel at