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Look to the past. Remember a smile. And maybe tonight I can breath for awhile. Hmmm...a dilemma...I am not sure where to post now that I have 2 blogs on the go...and am merging to two to become one...like myself. I need to put my 2 realities into one.
So I had a date today...with myself. I went to Kitchener...1 for the drive...and 2 to shop. I happened upon a cool second hand store where a connected with the shopkeeper. We chatted for a while and it turns out that she grew up here in GreyBruce. It was cool and the fact that I picked up some cool shit helped too.
I went to a Thai restaurant for lunch too and had my favourite Pad Thai and Spring Rolls. It wasnt as good as the Viet/Thai restaurant in Cambridge but this sufficed.
I also spent time walking around downtown and hit Value Village. It was warm and sunny. Nothing like a spring day to lift the spirits.
It was a good day. I also met up with a friend and we toured around the mall just being ourselves. It was nice. It's amazing what you learn about people when you are yourself and honest...perhaps that they go through the same shit of feeling depressed and lonely. Kind of makes me feel not so alone. |
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It's time to be honest. Welcome to my world. I am split between two realities. Do you really want to take a look? This isnt surface stuff anymore.
More.Binary.Speaking
The Truth.
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Friday’s dust has become Saturday’s. It wasn’t suppose to end this way. Thick tar…sticking to the insides of my self.. Seeping throughout the silent recesses of my mind. Taking over…resting in every corner. Its toxins mingling with what is left of my soul. If I speak all that will come out is black. Look deep into my eyes and all you will see is darkness. Do you dare to trod and see what really is there? What no one else cares to see?
Do you think it is possible to consciously let go of this world and everything in it and just consciously die? Could I just lay here and forget it all…strip myself off of any attachments, peel of the layers of hurt, close my eyes and retreat to a better place never to return to this misery again? If it is possible what would they rule my death as? There are some people who just die and they have no medical reasoning’s to prove how they died. Did they just let go? What holds us here anyways?
I’m a fucking fashion super model. All you ever do is look at the surface and are content to not go any deeper than what you see on the outside. Well that’s fine because the surface betrays what is on the inside. But perhaps I am not doing such a good job of it lately. But that is ok if you turn your head and want to look the other way because you are repulsed by what you are beginning to see. |
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Leaving? I want to leave this all behind. Start off again where no-one knows who I am and where I've been.
Perhaps then I can just be who I really am...I dont know who that is yet...or should I say still.
I want to change my name and just leave everything behing. I mean everything. To not tell a soul. But deep down there is a battle going on. I want to stay connecteed in a way.
This place is not my home.
Where do I fit in?
Where is my Joy?
Where is my Peace?
God where are you?
Old images have started to haunt me, seeping in like fog. I am in haze. Endlessly distracted. Im starting to tune the world out and retreat into my own abyss. I am trying to get out but I dont know how. I am screaming and crying out from this pit but where are your loving arms to pull me out? |
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I dont know if it is the winter blues that causes this or not...but lately my memory has really sucked and I have had to resort to doing stupid things to remind me of stuff i want to do...like for instance...in 15 minutes I want to watch a documentary...so to remember I stuck a plastic easter egg down my shirt so I dont forget...it feels funny so I know I wont forget about watching the show...now if it wasnt there...believe it or not...I would probably forget to watch it. Also, I emailed myself on it too so I wouldnt forget...
I am going to watch my documentary now...its called Dark Crystal and it is about the drug known as crystal meth and how it is sweeping across the towns and cities of western Canada and heading up east at an alarming pace. http://www.cbc.ca/fifth/darkcrystal/index.html We all know it is a big problem in Hanover right now...or if you didnt know...it is. |
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| Just wanted to let everyone know I have been feeling like shit lately so dont expect mych out of me for awhile. Not until I am on the up and up and feeling positive. I am trying to regain control of this negative streak but it is hanging on pretty tight this time. I could use your prayers. Peace out and Love. -Rach |
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| the narrow path 011010010010000001100011011010000110111101101111011100110110010100100000011101000110111100100000011101110110100101110000011001010010000001110100011010000110100101110011001000000111001101101100011000010111010001100101001000000110001101101100011001010110000101101110001011100010000000100000011100110111010001100001011100100111010000100000011011110111011001100101011100100010111000100000001000000110100100100000011011000110111101101111011010110110010101100100001000000111010001101111001000000111010001101000011001010010000001101100011001010110011001110100001011100010000000100000011010010010000001101100011011110110111101101011011001010110010000100000011101000110111100100000011101000110100001100101001000000111001001101001011001110110100001110100001011100010000000100000011010010010000001101100011011110110111101101011011001010110010000100000011000100110010101101000011010010110111001100100001000000110110101100101001011100010000000100000011010010010000001101100011011110110111101101011011001010110010000100000011101000110111100100000011110010110111101110101001011100010000000100000011010010010000001100110011011110111001001100111011011110111010000100000011101000110111100100000011011000110111101101111011010110010000001100001011010000110010101100001011001000010111000100000001000000110100100100000011001100110111101110010011001110110111101110100001000000111010001101111001000000111001101110100011000010111100100100000011011110110111000100000011101000110100001100101001000000110111001100001011100100111001001101111011101110010000001110000011000010111010001101000001011100010000000100000011101110110100101110100011010000010000001101111011101010111010000100000011010010111010000100000011101000110100001100101011100100110010100100000011010010111001100100000011011100110111100100000011100000110010101100001011000110110010100101110001000000010000001110011011011110010000001101001001000000110000101101101001000000110001001100001011000110110101100100000011011110110111000100000011101000110100001100101001000000111000001100001011101000110100000101110001000000010000001101110011011110111011100100000011010010010000001100001011011010010000001101010011101010111001101110100001000000110000101110111011000010110100101110100011010010110111001100111001000000111000001100101011000010110001101100101001011100010000000100000011010010111010000100000011101110110100101101100011011000010000001100011011011110110110101100101001011100010000000100000011010010010000001101011011011100110111101110111001000000110100101110100001000000111011101101001011011000110110000101110 |
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Almost forgot how much fun it is to swear... FUCK!
Where the hell did this day come from?
What a shit mood I am in today. I only had a few periods of relief but on the whole it sucked.
People in general just pissed me off but I was able to still serve and treat them with respect pulling it somewhere from the depths of my being.
SO my mind raced unbelievably fast today...mulling things over and battling within. Some things really ticked me off...like why do people try to have a conversation with you when your back is turned and expect you to be listening or paying attention. Ever hear of Excuse me miss...can I ask you a question?" FUCK OFF or something!
And what gets me even more is when you are trying to talk to someone and they are nodding there head as if they are paying attention and then they turn and walk away while you are still talking to them. (Name Edited), you fucking bitch! What the hell is your problem.
Well many other things were bothering me too...like why the hell the lecture at Christmas time from (Name Edited) about how we need to be neutral on holidays so as not to offend other "religions" and then the store goes around and sells plaques with John 3:16 on it declaring the whole basis of Christianity. Like FUCK...make up you minds...I guess it is ok as long as the corporation is making money right?
Here is another one...If I dont like you well then who the hell cares. I am not going to say fuck you to the next person who may actually like you. I hate it when people dont give you the freedon to make your own opinions about someone and instead expect you to harbour resentment against someone because they do and if you dont then they get pissed at you too...sorry, but I am my own person and I can make my own judgements thank you fucking much!
I could go on...
There was only one sunny spot in my day. Thanks Jon! You crazy ole bat! Why are people drawn to you so...I am...and it is strange...what is it about you? Sorry if I pissed you off with being all needy. I just needed some one to pay me mind today...I didnt really mean it when I said I would laugh if that skid rolled back...I wouldnt really. Infact, I would probably stand there and curse right along side you if that happened.
Anyways. We well see what tomorrow brings. Not another day like today I hope...but I have a feeling they might be here to stay for a little bit...the black has been slowly creeping in all month and then some.
Oh and...Fuck You! Fuck Off, and to all a Fucked Night!
...hmmm...i think i might actually feel a little bit better now... |
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spinning thoughts. im out of control. God take me now so i dont have to live out this misery anymore. how did you creep in so secretively. and now that you are here...how long do you plan to stay? are you what really defines me. are you what is really hiding in the dark recesses of my soul. waiting for the perfect moment of weakness to take over? if i fight you i am in agony. if i give in you are 3 fold.
i am afflicted. how much longer must i suffer? Desolation and dispair. You eluded me for a little while... |
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So I woke up today feeling insanely creative! I do not know where this came from really...well it is good and all good things come from God sooooo...there is my answer.
It started off with me wanting to make Banana Muffins, Apple Crisp, and Pound Cake. So that was enough motivation to get me out of bed and I headed off to the grocery store for supplies...ei: paper baking cups, some ingredients...
I decided to stop at Dollarama to see if I could get any of the stuff cheap and while wandering through the craft aisle I got inspired to make a piece for my friend Jon. I have no idea why this inspiration came upon me but I got excited about the potential art project and had the vision flashing before my mind of what it would look like so I went with it and bought the art supplies to get the task done.
So it has been an awesome day! I joyfully baked all afternoon and made dinner tonight for the family. Painted all evening. My cold is still lingering but who cares! I can still function.
The fruits of my labour are below. I hope you enjoy. There is an interpretation to the artwork but I will save the explanation for the person it is intended for. |
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Mmmm. Baked goods. Banana Muffins, Pound Cake, adn Apple Crisp.  |
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Sorry I havent posted in a while. There is just nothing new and exciting to share these days. I am sick, and wishing spring would appear.
I am suffering with the winter blahs...and being completely broke doesnt help either. I am so sick of being in the hole. *SIGH* Thus is life. |
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My heart hurts today. It was a bizarre day. I woke up feeling on top of the world and pumped for the day and by late afternoon, I felt like shit.
I think I have jumped the gun. I confessed to a long time friend last night that I am "interested" in him. We have been getting together alot lately, and I was thinking in my head that we were dating, because all fingers pointed in that direction.
So I get this email back and he says he would like to leave things as a friendship with me... But I am not really interested in that at the moment. I was kind of putting a lot of hope into this and the potential that it could be. It's so hard investing so much time into someone only to be let down. I feel like it is a waste of time...I mean come on...2 years!
I mean here are the facts and you tell me what you think.
-We have been emailing eachother for almost 2 years now with an average of 3-4 emails per week.
-Whenever we get together, he insists on paying. HE wont let me.
-We have so much in common, and all we ever do is talk non-stop for hours.
-We always leave things hanging implying we will get together soon.
-He lives an hour and a half away, so it's not like it is convienient to get together.
-Im HOT! Why shouldnt he like me???
But then I think it would be to good to be true because I am used goods and why would some guy as good as that want to have anything to do with me anyways.
SO he asked me to reply back to his email and I just breifly sent him a reply and stated that I didnt know exactly what to write at the moment. I told him I would take some time to think on it and pray.
SO NOW MY HEART HURTS...but I guess it is better than being out of the loop and just wondering "What If" all the time.
I am not going to give out complete hope either. I mean he did admit that he was completely confused and thinking and praying on things. The thing that concerns me is that he wants some "SIGN" from God on who he is suppose to chose as his mate. I think the thing to do is place the person before God and see what God says...if he gives you peace about it then that is your sign...if there is just confusion and discontent...then it is time to move on.
All I can say is I have peace about him and perhaps he is just not at the right spot for things to happen if he is not at the point where he can place things befor God and wait for the peace that comes and passes all understanding.
I thought he was the one I was going to marry. I could see myself marrying him...I dont let myself think that about guys that way...the thought has been there in the back of my mind since I my eyes opened up to the possibility 2 years ago.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
This sucks.
*SIGH*
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| ...I'm thinking maybe now is a good time to go to bed... |
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Sheer mayham!
The last two days have been crazy...and loooooong.
Last night after work I went to the Missionary church to help chaperone a Youth concert fundraiser for the drop-in center. We had a great turn-out so the concert was a success.
Today after work I had a nap and didnt want to get up for volunteer but I did and dragged my butt down to the Deck. It started off as a very slow night but that all changed when the police came down with some stolen merchandise they found in the alley.
Myself and another volunteer pieced the pieces together as he had observed some strange behavior earlier and what the people looked like. Next thing we know one girl was being arrested and there were a whole bunch of other girls crying about it. Turns out the girl that was arrested was taking the rap for the other two and the other two fessed up so the one who was arrested was let go.
The funny thing was they werent even linked to the duffel bag but ended up ratting their own selves out for shoplifting earlier that night. They then proceeded to put the blame on some other guy hanging out at the deck which was ticking me off because he didnt do anything. The police just questioned everyone about the duffle bag.
So some of it is still confusing to me about exactly what went on. The whole thing took place over the span of an hour and a half so that made my night go fast. And it sure was exciting. My stepdad was on call for that too...and two other police officers.
It's crazy how all the teens thrive on the drama and NEED to know what is going on...and then how they twist it all around and exaggerate the story and make things up.
Phew! So like now, I am going to bed so I can get up for church on time. |
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Horaay!
I got my car today and am driving it already. It passed the safety with flying colours. We had it safetied at the Chrysler dealership and they were really impressed with the condition of the car and they couldnt believe we only paid $1400 for it. God has really blessed me with this car. All praise to Him!
So with the safety, licensing, taxes and new car battery I only paid $1775.00 for my new baby. Wow! And she has a full tank of gas when we bought her so that was a mini bonus.
We received $3300 for my last car so that leaves $1525.00 leftover. I already invested $1000.00 into RRSP's. So I am laughing. With the left over money I am getting my female cat spayed...the male is already neutered, and I am getting the male cat his shots...the female already has her shots.
So here is the deal with my cats. I have to get rid of them by March 20th or I have to move out.
So as for my cats, they are going to Mark and Kristen's farm...*SOB*...I am going to miss them but I can go over there whenever I want to see them...plus I think they will be in kitty heaven because they will get to be outdoors and they LOVE the outdoors...I just hope that when I get a new place again they will not freak out about being indoor cats again...They are my babies...or worse I hope they dont suffer a freak farm accident in the meantime and die a horrible grusome kitty death.
I am on the look-out for a mini-van for my friend who is now looking for a vehicle. She has her heart set on either a Dodge Caravan or Plymoth Voyager in the range of $2000-$3500.00. She also would like it to have sliding doors on both sides and preferrable in white or red. IF any ones hears or sees of one, drop me an email at binary.speaking@gmail.com |
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Moderating.
Well I officially got to do some moderating today with the Grey/Bruce Area Freecycle Group.
So there was this huge mix up with a posting because 2 people with the same name replied to a posting and the person who posted didnt realize that she was talking to 2 different people. Needless to say they both showed up at her house to pick up their free monitor and one of them was sorely dissappointed that it was gone and the poster was extremely confused.
Anyways, after about 12 hours and a million posts because someone accidentally addressed the whole group about the problem it is finally fixed. It was interesting to see how snotty some people can get tho. I got some pretty nasty comments in my mailbox and it wasnt even my fault. It spurred me on to address the entire group with the following message:
"From: "Rachel" <-------->
Date: Wed Mar 2, 2005 3:28 am
Subject: To All Grey-Bruce Area Freecyclers!
Hi Everyone!
Hope this message finds everyone doing well.
I just wanted to bring up a few things and some new/old ideas that should help things run smoothly.
First: If you are experiencing any difficulties or have a question please ask the moderator. You can email me PERSONALLY with your comments and concerns at --------.
Second: When you use the Post section it will address the entire group.
Third: If anyone has a beef with anyone else in the group please email me....in a clean and understandable email. I will try to deal with the situation as best as possible.
Fourth: If anyone has a snide comment to make, DONT! Dont address them to the group or to me. I don't want any sarcasm and I dont think anyone else appreciates it either. I am a human being and want to be treated with respect too. Snide and rude comments may only lend up fueling a situation if addressed to the wrong person. Have faith that the matter is being taken care of.
I am writing this email in regards to the Dell Monitor posting...some of the remark I got from other members were unacceptable, but I also appreciate some of the advice I recieved too. This has been a learning experience.
Fifth: Please try to be gracious to other users who are unfamiliar with the user interface of being in a group. Messages are going to accidently be address to the group by accident on occassion. If it doesnt concern you, then just delete it and carry on or email me with your concerns. I can deal with it from then on.
I want to give as much ownership to the group as possible, so I am trusting that everyone will use their common sense when posting their items for freecycle or any other news tidbits that are related to freecycle. I do not want to have to resort t moderating every single post for FREE STUFF.
Hope this helps. Any comments and concerns please email me at --------.
Rachel,
Your Moderator."
So yeah, that was interesting. I should also have posted that when picking up freecycle stuff that people should meet in public places. I got a comment from one user that they were quite creeped out by one of the users who was picking up an item. LOL. They actually gave someone their personal address...YIKES. |
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A quick post...
I think my car will be on the road by Thursday. What a relief. It only has 155 clicks on it. Why dont some people like Neon's? I just figure this is the car God wanted me tohave because it was so cheap and just pretty much dropped in my lap. I only paid $1400 for it...A steal in my eyes.
Tomorrow is going to be a crazy kid day! I am going to have Addison and Shannon for the afternoon and then I am going to watch Kalvin and Abi for the evening. I am looking forward to it. They will be lots of fun.
I am off to work now...oneof my bizarre 3:30pm-9:30pm shifts. |
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posted by Rachel at 
