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Clarification The F-You (yeah I know... I am editing my language...although I dont know why because I thought it in my head, so what's the diffence if I edit it or not...it's still there) to the people in general who say they want to help was in regards to one such individual who said she wanted to be there for me and be a listening ear...so I emailed her back to chat...and alas not reply in over a week. She was so full of advice and wanted to reach out...but then slam...the door closed.
"Perhaps I am just pushing everyone away now, because I am so sick of this feeling empty and alone"...does not mean I AM pushing people away on purpose...To all of you who dont know the definition of the word "Perhaps"...should look it up...because I use it alot. It's more of a word I use when I am anaylizing a situation and why I feel the way I do and react the way I do. And God knows I could you all the Love and Caring I can get.
Oh...and this is not a GAME...This is not about tying to piss people of even though I know inadvertanly it will...it's about me getting my thoughts out so I can sort them out and see what I am really feeling and experiencing on the inside. I am not trying to one up myself on anyone else in regard to life experiences. We all have our own shit and I realize that...
Here is some positive stuff for you all...
I do have people who truly care and love me. I know that and I am truly grateful and blessed for that. My life is NOT completely shit.
Admittedly tho, my moods are extreme. I dont completely know how to deal with them, and when I do it may not be in the best or most healthiest of ways...but I am using the resourses I have and the only ways I know how. Oh how I wish some of you could live a day in my mind...experience my insecurities and fears.
An apology to all I hurt. Things are getting clearer...and I dont want to close the door on anyone...not even you dad...I just want to be loved and accepted for who I am. I want people to show me they love and care for me in action. Be there...call...visit...invite.
Ultimately what I write is really a cry for help. I know that. Do you know that?
Also, realize that I am not one to really ask for help. I fear rejection to much, so in order to avoid it I don't ask. Kind of stupid I know. So it's something I can work on... |
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posted by Rachel at