Tuesday, April 12, 2005
so it seems to me when it feels like i am having a good day i end up feeling even more empty and lonely than when i am having just a bad day in general. feeling good only makes the bad even worse.

today started off great. i woke up feeling on top of the world. full of energy and confidence for the work that layed ahead. that energy stuck with me up until about 2-ish and then the old feelings of emptyness, meaninglessness and desolation creeped in gradually growing in intensity to the point where I am now.

i am restless.

i almost cant write...cant get my thoughts together and get them out of my head. they are stuck to the insides of my mind like thick hot tar...

i use to be comforted and consoled just by hanging out with my friends. it use to be enough. why isnt it enough anymore. i can no longer just be. i can't push these feelings aside.

i went to Kristen's tonight to sleep over and hang with the family but by around 9pm i had to get out of there. i couldnt sit still. i couldnt bare the thought of spending the night there because i know i am not going to get much sleep tonight and at least at home i can semi entertain myself by watching tv, surfing the net, reading my zines and eating. (i cant get enough of food right now.)

i got home at about 10:30 after driving around aimlessly for an hour an half in a semi-daze...my thoughts washing over me.

...and now here i am...i'm afraid to go to bed and turn the lights off because it is always worse that way.

can someone pull this plug! turn me off! shut things down!
posted by Rachel at 11:45:00 PM -
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