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so it seems to me when it feels like i am having a good day i end up feeling even more empty and lonely than when i am having just a bad day in general. feeling good only makes the bad even worse.
today started off great. i woke up feeling on top of the world. full of energy and confidence for the work that layed ahead. that energy stuck with me up until about 2-ish and then the old feelings of emptyness, meaninglessness and desolation creeped in gradually growing in intensity to the point where I am now.
i am restless.
i almost cant write...cant get my thoughts together and get them out of my head. they are stuck to the insides of my mind like thick hot tar...
i use to be comforted and consoled just by hanging out with my friends. it use to be enough. why isnt it enough anymore. i can no longer just be. i can't push these feelings aside.
i went to Kristen's tonight to sleep over and hang with the family but by around 9pm i had to get out of there. i couldnt sit still. i couldnt bare the thought of spending the night there because i know i am not going to get much sleep tonight and at least at home i can semi entertain myself by watching tv, surfing the net, reading my zines and eating. (i cant get enough of food right now.)
i got home at about 10:30 after driving around aimlessly for an hour an half in a semi-daze...my thoughts washing over me.
...and now here i am...i'm afraid to go to bed and turn the lights off because it is always worse that way.
can someone pull this plug! turn me off! shut things down! |
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posted by Rachel at