Sunday, December 25, 2005
posted by Rachel at 2:15:00 PM -
Did you know...

Did you know that for many, Christmas is not always a joyous time, not in the sense that we don't celebrate the birth of Christ, but there are many of us out there that just don't look forward to Christmas.

We attempt to make Christmas Eve and Christmas Day as much a normal day as possible.

We're not always thrilled about wrapping gifts, decorating the tree and putting on fancy meals for family and friends. Why?

Sometimes the loss of a loved one brings back too many memories of a much happier time. Often a particular Christmas carol can quickly put us in an emotional frame of mind as hundreds of pictures flash through our minds reliving events that took place some time ago.

For some, merely putting up a tree and decorating it brings back so many memories that we wish we hadn't put it up at all. Don't blame us. We are not against Christmas.

This is sometimes our way of dealing with painful memories. We try to put Christmas aside and carry on as if it were any other day.

For some they can get over a loss in a year, others it can take a number of years, and, for the unfortunate few, they may never get over the loss of a spouse, child or parent.

The mother of my children passed away in 1992. It took me approximately ten years to finally feel normal again, however, both my kids have a very difficult time with the Christmas festivities and a doctor friend of mine gave me the following personal quote to put it in perspective, "You are only ever as happy as your least happiest child." I now find myself in this situation.

More than anything, I wish that I could make Christmas for them the way it always was...but I can't. I can't make them happy and with that come some feelings of guilt and shortcoming.

I wish for my kids that I could be a good mother but, I'm only a good father.

Mothers have ways of making Christmas such an enjoyable time to look forward to. They have the knack of prettying up a Christmas tree and adorning the house with angel's hair, snow, tinsel and boughs of evergreen with red satin bows. They are adept at wrapping up gifts with colorful paper and fancy ribbons. The Christmas dinners that mothers put together are outstanding. They have a special touch.

Yet, these are some of life's real situations and we are still learning, healing, growing and attempting to bring back the joy at Christmas time, and the rest of the year.

We are not looking for sympathy, don't judge us, but allow us time to heal, however long that takes.

Merry Christmas.
posted by Rachel at 1:55:00 PM -
Thursday, December 08, 2005

My pirate name is:

Black Ethel Rackham

Like anyone confronted with the harshness of robbery on the high seas, you can be pessimistic at times. You have the good fortune of having a good name, since Rackham (pronounced RACKem, not rack-ham) is one of the coolest sounding surnames for a pirate. Arr!

Get your own pirate name from
posted by Rachel at 9:18:00 PM -
mood: frustrated.

i am a big fan of online banking. i would still be a big fan at online banking if my bank's website(s) would work. BMO has been down since Friday (atleast) and this has required me to go in to the bank and use one of those teller people to do my banking.

it erks me right now that i can not access my account to check my measly balance of funds...or to pay a bill.

c'mon people! 6 days?¿?

(on another note...i will most likely be making the switch over to linux this weekend.)
posted by Rachel at 12:57:00 AM -
Monday, December 05, 2005
sometimes i am so overwhelmed with how broken this world is. sometimes i am so overcome with grief at the realization of it all.

it's interesting to be on the other side looking in. my own struggle has been somewhat documented on this site. i think one of the only good things about it is that i am able to empathise with the hurting. i can take their pain as my own and put my self in their shoes and experience what they are experiencing.

and all i know how to do is love them. and that is all i can do. and that is what i am commanded to do. and so that is what i will do.
posted by Rachel at 3:16:00 PM -
Thursday, December 01, 2005
i am not adept in the art of distraction.
posted by Rachel at 8:43:00 PM -

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